Georgetown Law Weekly Article

The following article appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly, the student newspaper for Georgetown Law School, April 10, 2000:

Highly Motivated Law Grad Seeks Position as Ethics Officer

A memo recently distributed to student mailboxes announced that the Law Center is creating a new “ethics officer” position.

As soon as I read about this exciting new position, I immediately thought to myself, “This is the job for me!”

The memo purports the new position will alleviate the burden of the five faculty members who are currently responsible for prosecuting ethical violations. The faculty members don’t like this job, the memo says.

That might be so but nobody likes final exams either and I don’t see the administration doing anything about that. I think I know why this “ethics officer” memo is really getting passed around.

Possibly because our fine school is publicly honoring students at graduation this May hwo have no business receiving a law school degree and the collective administration is saying to themselves, “How the hell did this happen?”

Anyway, I want that ethics officer position. I have some real ideas for the job. And the best part about the ethics officer position is that it will be very, very easy.

I was looking at Appendix I of the memo, “Violation Experience.” The 1994-95 school year stands out in particular – not a single violation that year! And 1997-98 – only three violations. So I will have a lot of time on my hands. This is good because it will give me an opportunity to do creative things with this position.

It has always been my secret dream to go undercover like Johnny Depp in “21 Jumpstreet.” I could do this in first-year legal research and writing classes. I could take out whole small sections at a time. I would brag about my research prowess and how much I’ve already done on an assignment and say, “Who wants to take a look?” And then BAM! I’ve got the entire small section in my sting.

Yeah, I might feel a little bat at first, but that’s the kind of thing a professional ethics officer like me would get over very quickly, particularly with so much free time on my hands to relax and unwind.

But I wouldn’t slouch in my job. No way. During ethical violation lulls, I could help improve life in other ways at the Law Center.

For example, I would organize an Ethics Appreciation Day, distributing buttons that say, “Just say YES to stock fraud and say NO to getting stuck in traffic and handing in take-home exams late!”

Yes, under my ethical regime, as under the current regime, securities law violations would be tacitly, if not out rightly condoned. I would be a compassionate conservative ethical officer. I understand that students need to pay off their loan debts.

The feds? Don’t worry about them; you’ll make so much money you can hire a fancy white collar criminal attorney, preferably one of the faculty (it’s nice to keep it in the family.) Put that guy who taught you evidence to work!

The SEC will be afraid to even glance in your direction. Not like that guy in Texas who posted a phony press release about Lucent’s earnings a couple weeks ago and was promptly jailed on $100,000 bond. That guy obviously didn’t have Georgetown lawyers on his side.

Speaking of Georgetown lawyers, I wouldn’t confine my ethics investigations to students. There are some serious faculty ethics issues that need to be addressed. For example, should a professor continue assigning his federal income tax book that hasn’t been updated since 1980? And is it ethical for a professor to have the student bookstore stock only a hardbook version of his text when the paperback sells for a third of the price?

These are matters, if they are occurring, that I would look into as ethics officer.

But the most important thing I would do as ethics officer is get rid of those nasty final exams. In one simple stroke I would eliminate the potential for all exam-related violations! Hey, it works for Yale.

Like Yale, this would undoubtedly also improve our school ranking. Speaking of which, I don’t want anybody else soliciting me for a class gift on the grounds that it will improve our alumni satisfaction rating and therefore our overall rating. Please!

In my opinion, if the school is so concerned about alumni satisfaction, it shouldn’t cheapen our degrees by giving them to stock frauds. You hear that, U.S. News & World Report?

But if you do give a class gift, I suggest you earmark your gift (you can designate where you want your gift to go but you won’t get the T-shirt) to pay the ethics officer – handsomely – and further condition your gift on me being hired for the position. Trust me, it will be truly the gift that keeps on giving.